| OUT OF DEPRESSION September 8, 2008
I am not a negative guy, pretty upbeat most of the time, but I went into a very dark place. Maybe it was because we had a full house with kids and grandkids that suddenly became empty. Maybe it was because my wife was gone for two weeks visiting a friend. Maybe it was because I was doing a cold turkey detox from my pain medicine I was taking for my knee surgery. Maybe it was the increased pain from getting off the pain meds. Maybe it was all of the above. Whatever the reasons, I went into severe depression. It was very dark. I felt deeply lonely. Nothing could comfort me. Food and TV were depressing. The joy and peace were gone. I cried out to the Lord constantly to remove the darkness, but there was no relief. I could barely endure while I read the Scriptures, but as soon as I stopped, the oppression overwhelmed me. Nothing inspired me. I had a huge lump in my throat. Loneliness grabbed my heart. I walked around the park just to distract myself, but when I got home, I was sick at heart. Tears in my heart could not become tears from my eyes to get some relief. I got Reenie to pray for me on the phone. In times past, she could fight for me and win, but this time, the darkness continued. My daughter, Marleen, called and we had a good conversation, but the darkness persisted. I was getting desperate. I asked the Lord to remove it, but nothing changed. At one point I asked the Lord what this was and He said, “This is the loneliness I feel when my people ignore me.” Wow. So I began to comfort the Lord and tell Him I understood a little of what He was going through. This deflected some of the burden. But finally the agony was so strong I couldn’t stand it. For a few hours I was even suicidal, but I had no weapon to destroy myself. I didn’t know if an overdose would do it and I would remain a vegetable for life. Besides, I had enough sense left to realize that suicide was stupid and selfish and would immeasurably hurt my family. I was in a bad place to say the least, and it was so foreign to my normal upbeat nature. Ironically I got a lot done—website development, writing articles, speaker training at Rachel’s Challenge, and preparing for an eight-week class at the church. I think I was just trying to keep myself busy so the heart pain would not completely break my spirit. Finally, it was time to get in my car and drive to Here is what I heard: WAIT ON THE LORD. “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” [Psa. 37:7]. What God does to us while we are waiting on Him is much more important that what we are waiting for Him to do. Waiting on the Lord saves time and strength because we don’t have to manipulate to make things happen and have to take time putting right what we messed up. Waiting on the Lord is: Seeking God. Silence before God. Surrender to God. Nothing is worthwhile unless God does it. In my state of darkness, some old clichés were proving true: I have to think about Him every moment or go crazy. Life is all about relationships—especially family. “A house is not a home if there is no one there.” Creation is not a home for us without the Creator. At one point, I began to reflect on the past. If I had to do it all over again: I would avoid youthful lusts. I would manipulate less and trust God more to make it happen. For example: I pushed my way to get a class at a church. I never fit and had to leave. I waited for God to give me favor at another church and the class is coming together. I would be less inclined to impress people and more inclined to be myself. I would not worry about what people thought about me. At this point, I pulled off to the side of the road, sat in an abandoned Stuckeys / Dairy Queen, and heard Him say: “I know what you are feeling better than you do. I know what to do about it better than you. I know the purpose for what you are going through. Don’t try so hard to recover. Let the wind blow as it will. The fruit of the Spirit is always love, joy, and peace.” I looked around at the abandoned Stuckeys. Everything a traveler needed was there: gas, repair service, food, water, and directions. But it was deserted. It failed. The weeds were growing up by the gas pumps and in the cracks of the parking lot. That’s when I hear the part about “A house is not a home if there is no one there,” and “Creation is not our home if there is no Creator.” But then was added, “Heaven is not our home if Father is not there.” Heaven is not our goal. It’s just a pretty place without relationship with the One who made it. Deserted, it is empty of love, heart, and feeling. I drove past a whirling windmill. God said to me, “The windmill only brings energy when the wind is blowing.” I thought of His words, “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone who is born of the spirit” [Jn. 3:8]. Later, I passed by a bunch of those energy windmills between Russell and He went on, “Stop trying to fix yourself.” I had burned out running a church, thinking I was paid to fix everyone else. Now I was finding out again that I couldn’t even fix myself! I had to wait on the Lord and not try to fill my mind with Christian stuff—music and teaching. I couldn’t rely on my prayers, my thinking, my solutions, my anything! Don’t try to make it happen. Let it happen. Just be silent before Him and wait. Don’t try to make Him speak. Just be with Him. Pay attention to Him. He loves that. He knows the next best thing to do. Silence before Him is surrender to Him. Going through the detox has made me much less judgmental of people struggling with addictions. I passed a truck pulling a homemade trailer. He said, “You see that trailer? It’s best if you follow me and let me drive. A trailer has no power to push or pull itself. Remember the ant.” I got to The lump was still in my throat, wondering if I would see her again. But I went to bed and had a good sleep. The next morning, I vacuumed the house, helped my mom weed the garden, and felt a little better. Well, it’s a week later. I am back home with Reenie. I feel a lot better. The detox is over, my wife is home, and my mom had some good test results. But there is still a little lump in my throat. What is it? I think the Lord has left a little reminder. He wants me and you to know that He is lonely without us. He wants us with Him. I feel his loneliness when he prayed, “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am” [Jn. I feel his loneliness when he said, “How often I have longed to gather you as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing” [Matt. I feel his loneliness when he said, “In returning and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your salvation, but you would have none of it” [Isa. 30:15]. Sharing a tiny bit of God’s loneliness was unbearable. I couldn’t take the burden. I had to ask him to remove the heaviness. But I can come to him and be his friend and share his burden of loneliness. Friendship with God not only means love, joy, and peace, “the fellowship of his sufferings” [Phil. Even though we have turned down his invitation many times before, “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for Him” [Isa. 30:18]. |
