Jim May | living at His place

FORGIVING WHEN OTHERS DON'T UNDERSTAND

Sometimes I find it hard to forgive until the offender understands the depth of hurt he put in me.

Recently, a word of offence came to me that cut me to the bone. It was unintentional, but I spent a whole night flagellating myself in shame and rejection. The hurt of the moment was probably coupled with past rejections, making it worse. For days I seriously questioned my sanity. My spirit was crushed and I had no hope of coming out of the darkness. Eventually, to gain some measure of relief, I told the offender how deeply they had hurt me. I wanted them to understand, but they couldn’t. I was met with shallow analysis and unknowing stares. While communication was restored, understanding wasn’t.

I left Denver for two weeks to speak on “The Father Heart of God” at a Youth with a Mission base in Chico, California. The dark cloud of hurt and depression followed me. I couldn’t seem to shake it. I was truly afraid I was not going to see relief.

Then God broke through. Sitting alone in my room, I heard the words of Jesus on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing” [Luke 23:34]. It was the “for” that hit me. He forgave because they didn’t understand the depth of hurt they put on him! I was to forgive precisely because the person did not understand the hurt they inflicted on me. I realized that no person can ever understand totally how deeply they have hurt others. It is impossible, because we can’t be that person. We can understand to some extent, but never completely. So we have to forgive because they can never understand. To expect understanding is to delay forgiveness, and to delay forgiveness is to keep us in a prison of bitterness. Again, bitterness is drinking strong poison and hoping the other person will die! It’s suicide.

When the light came on, I was free. The cloud lifted and my sanity returned. But that was not all.

The Bible reading for that day took me to Psalm 22—prophesying the agony of Jesus on the cross. The Psalm describes hurt we put on him with our sin. It was unspeakable and deep. We do not understand. He was utterly alone in his agony. He was mocked. He was ridiculed. He was shamed. No one understood. As I read this Psalm, I realized that Jesus endured every deep hurt I would ever experience. He understood completely! Suddenly I had a new level of friendship with Jesus, because I had a friend who shared my hurt completely. “He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; nor has he hidden his face from him; but when he cried for help, he heard” [v. 24]. Blows to my spirit, unintentionally delivered, brought me to a closer friendship with Jesus, which is the greatest desire of my life. But it took hurt to get me there, because I had to identify with him.

I found out that wanting understanding before giving forgiveness is a common experience. I shared this insight with a fellow speaker at the conference. He understood immediately. He said when he asks his wife to forgive him, she invariably sits him down and says, “You’re not getting away with that. You are going to hear how badly you hurt me.” He listens. But, like all of us, he never understands the hurt completely. So she has to forgive because he doesn’t know what he is doing.

I had new insight into “The Father Heart of God.” Our Father forgives us because we don’t understand how deeply we hurt him! His desire is that we pass this forgiveness on to others who have hurt us and don’t understand.