| HOW TRUTH CONQUERS MY ANGER Why was I so angry? I was exploding in foul language at my cursor randomly skipping on my computer, writing addresses wrong, spilling my coffee, losing five games of chess on the computer, Kansas losing in the NCAA basketball tournament, etc. etc. etc. Then I made an insensitive remark to a guy at a party and was beating myself up all night, because I couldn't fix it. I couldn't get the words back in my mouth. If I called him at 2:00 A M, I would just make things worse! A buddy told me old guys explode more often because they no longer have the energy to hold down their anger. That made sense to me, because my anger was getting more frequent. I imagined myself dropping my notes and exploding in front of a bunch of Christians and ruining my reputation forever. I had to get a handle on this. I was encouraged by a buddy/counselor to ask the Lord about the root of my anger. Think of when I felt like that in the past and ask the Lord to reveal the lie I was believing about myself. (I have long believed that the cosmic battle in the world and in us is between lies and truth. This time I had to apply it personally.) I did ask the Lord and I finally saw it! Let me explain. Ever since my mom took me to Pembrook Country Day school for tutoring on reading, I have been hearing in my brain, "You're an idiot!" This idea built up over the years living with what I perceived were genius siblings. My grades never measured up to theirs. My mom seemed to give me a look of intellectual superiority when she was correcting my writing or spelling. Then the ultimate humiliation came when my parents sent me to a small college in Illinois because "I was not ready for the big University." "Not ready" translated "you're an idiot" in my mind so the lie continued. I could never seem to concentrate on tests in school, because I was thinking I was a dummy and couldn't measure up to students around me. School was a prison of depression and defeat. When I was kicking myself for the insensitive remark, or when I dropped the toast on the floor jam side down, I was yelling subconsciously, "You idiot!" Believing the lie that I was an idiot hurt my communication with my wife. She grew up with two brothers and confrontation was second nature to her. She is a very secure and strong person. So when she questioned or confronted me, I thought she was calling me and idiot. Then I would react in anger or I would go into my silent treatment to bug her. She did not have the remotest thought she was calling me an idiot, but I took it that way, because I had believed the lie. When I finally saw that I was believing a lie, I was 90% free! Then, I took the second step to replace the lie with the truth. I asked the Lord to show me the truth about how He saw me back then when I felt like an idiot. I could almost feel his arm around my shoulder.He saw me as a good writer, thinker, student and teacher. That was the truth. Somehow seeing the "idiot" lie and the "good student" truth disarmed the accuser in my brain and I have had peace ever since. I have caught myself going back to the old pattern, but the truth has won the battle in my mind. What a relief. The anger has subsided. Reenie and I are communicating better and are at peace. We even painted the cement walls in the basement without an argument and with much humor. Now that is a miracle! If you are in a similar place with anger, discontent, insecurity, loneliness, irritability, etc. Ask your Counselor (The Holy Spirit) to show you where you picked up a lie about yourself. Then ask the Lord how he sees you. Then believe the truth. Welcome to freedom! |